Little Glimmers of Hope

I was asked to write about our last month's journey...

It's Mother's Day 2011 and I continue to count my blessings!  I have a wonderful mom and mother-in-law that continue to amaze me everyday.  Two very strong women in my life that I can always depend on.  A dad that still calls me, "his darling daughter" and a father-in-law that loves me like his very own.  A husband that dotes on me and two children that think it's still okay to hug their mom in public.  Friends that love me unconditionally and a God that died just for me!  What else could a girl want?  A job for my husband and a cure for cancer.

Joey came home early from his job one month ago, April 4th.  He told me he had been terminated.  My heart sank.  "Not again, I can't do this again", were the thoughts going through my head as I held back tears.  This would be the second job loss he had in 2 years, through no fault of his own.  He was extremely discouraged.  I have spent the last year and a half, encouraging my husband, lifting him up, and being his number one cheerleader.  Joey took the first job loss very hard and it was my duty to hold up the family.  I was the STRONG one.  I had to hold it together for my kids and husband.  My days were very long and it wasn't possible to rest.  I took care of the kids, the home, the bills, volunteered, and continued to work full time.  My health was failing, many friends were having affairs, and I saw families struggling. I put on my happy face for those around me.  Joey took a 2nd job to supplement his income.  It felt close to being a single momma for the past 18 months. 

During this second job loss, I have taken it very hard.  Two days prior to being terminated, we had paid for a condo at Panama City Beach for July.  'Cannot be refunded' was the last button I pushed before completing the transaction.  Really?  Joey and I had finally felt like we were back on our feet and wanted to celebrate with a small family vacation.  If I had only known that Joey's job was going to be gone in two days.  "What is God planning for us?  Why does my husband not have a job?  Why is his job denying unemployment?"  I had to cancel an appointment with my breast doctor due to no longer having insurance.  We stocked up on prescriptions, contacts, and got the kids into see the dentist before our policy was canceled. 

The days to follow his job loss put me into a state of depression.  Yes, I begrudgingly admit it.  I became depressed.  This is not me!  My job is to take care of everyone else and to be the one that everyone depends on.  I only get out of bed to teach my piano lessons and avoid all circumstances with large groups of people.  One on one, I do really well at.  Getting ready for church the next Sunday, sent me into a panic attack.  My husband saw how broken I was and said he would now lead the boys class we teach.  I have always been the strong one for everyone.  He has also taken over the household duties and many other things that I usually had done.  He is strong for me now.  I apologize for not returning calls, texts and emails.  My mind is not well focused and I feel a sense of defeat.  My FAITH is very strong and I pray like no other.   It's my physical body that is weak and not handling life well. 

Two weeks ago, my mom called to tell me that she has cancer.  Her tests came back positive.  I sat the phone down and cried.  I told my brother to call mom and he did.  It was a Wednesday when she called.  I had decided on Monday that I would make myself go to the gym on Wednesday.  Tuesday, I spent sweating and nauseous, knowing that I would be around people on Wednesday.  The phone call from my mom brought me to my knees.  I pulled myself together and asked God to give me the strength to be around others and He did.  I made it for an hour with very few people around me and came home feeling as if I had accomplished a big feat.  Little to most, but HUGE to my husband and myself.  I thought of mom the rest of the day and taught lessons.  Being one on one with my students brings me a sense of purpose.  My hands are shaky when I play the piano but my students have been wonderful. 

That weekend, Dad and Mom came down to visit.  I never cried and had a good visit with my Mom.  We spent Saturday together while the rest of the crew went golfing.  Finally at lunch, I asked Mom if she was scared.  She replied "no" with a smile.   Mom, ShelbyJo, and I spent the evening with my sweet friend, Tammie.  We all needed a good dose of Tammie's kindness and happiness! 

Last week friends stopped by to just pray with me and lift up my family.  I felt peace in those times.  After 4 interviews with one company, many computerized tests, and this new job position was to be filled on Friday with Joey or a lady... Joey was told he did not get the job we were hoping for.  Defeat still holds me down but I know God can't leave me down here for much longer.  God gives us only what we can handle.  After dropping my son off at school at 5 am on Friday for a band trip, I made my way to a car wash.  I sat in the car wash for an hour and cried out to God to help me, my family, and my Mom.  In the dark, tears flowed like they never have.  I screamed in the dark.  I started out being frustrated at God and left knowing that He had heard my plea.  He knows I am His child and He will take care of me! 

Don't give me pity but pray for little glimmers of HOPE!  I am ready to see what God has planned for us! 

Many Blessings,
Michelle

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,

and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28